...I will watch over thee.

I am predisposed to researching things to death if I need to solve a problem. Recently I've spent much time on insurance websites trying to find out if I can get insurance for us that we can afford on one income so that I can leave work. If we can't, there's not much possibility I can leave.

I was content thinking I'd be ok to go back to work part time. I even looked forward to seeing my agreeable coworkers when I returned. I mean, its just four hours a day right? I can handle being away from home that long can't I?

I went to work to drop off my maternity uniforms because they were taking up way too much room in the closet I was trying to organize. I talked with my supervisor about coming back. I have to go through basic training all over again, and on the job training all over again. I also assume they most likely won't let me do this on the schedule that I picked (so that I can watch my baby during the day). They are notorious with screwing with schedules and assuming you have no life outside of work.

I also saw a new addition to the office/breakroom. There were about six cots and sleeping bags up on the shelves. I was informed since I'm on the night shift when I return, I should have a toiletry bag in my locker in case I have to stay the night on said cots. Really? Do I really want to return to such a situation?

I saw most of the people that I care about while I visited. I thought while I was still actively working there that it would be hard to leave these people, and I considered staying as long as I could to be with them. However, the longer I'm away, the less attached I feel to them. Except with the ones who I have maintained contact with while I've been on leave. I realized though, it not really worth returning just to be able to see them, especially when I can talk to some of them away from work.

I also guess my maternal instincts and emotions are kicking in. I keep thinking as soon as I have her, I will be so much more attached to her than I am now. I'm pretty attached now to begin with. When she's born, there will be a countdown clock started, and at the end of six weeks I will have to go back to work and leave her for 4 (5 with driving) hours a day. That already breaks my heart. I really don't think I can do it.

So these have been my thoughts for the last 24 hours or so. Along with just really wanting to have her in my arms instead of my tummy.


Pray for me if you do read this. I need it.




The last entry title is from the lullabye:
Slumber My Darling off the Yo Yo Ma cd. (This entry's title is the next line.)