Sure of Where Her Strength Comes From...

I don't know where to begin...

It all seems like it occurred in one big event, but there were lots of significant events throughout the entire process. I'm going to debrief on here essentially, mostly to vent and remember what happened. This post is for me to get out everything that I felt and thought. I don't intend to leave anything out that I can remember, so if you don't want to know the specific and possibly graphic details of Emma's delivery, you may stop reading whenever you like.

We had a nice quiet intimate night with each other. We talked about our relationship and how it was going to change with Emma's arrival. We loved on each other and grew closer together as husband and wife in anticipation of becoming "mommy and daddy".

He was reading the MLJ series on Romans to me as our nightly devotional. I realized I wasn't paying any attention to him because I was in a little bit of pain, so I started to time my contractions to see what was going on. They were 8 minutes apart and it was around 10:00 PM. We went to sleep around 10:30 and I woke up again around 12:30 and the contractions were about 6 minutes apart and hurting a bit more. I told Daniel I was in labor and he got up and started cleaning things. I was still under the assumption that it would be a while before we went to the hospital so I tried to help him, but he sent me to bed and told me to sleep while he did the dishes.

I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I just laid there and relaxed as much as I could. Then I felt something pop. I was afraid to move so I laid on my side in bed and didn't move a muscle. I called for Daniel, but he couldn't hear me. He came up about 30 minutes later and I told him I felt something pop and was scared to move. He helped me sit up and then we were certain that it was my water that had broken. So we were off trying to get to the hospital. I think we got there around 2:30 and the only person we called at that point was Andi. She arrived sometime around 3:30 I think, and from that moment on I was very thankful I had asked her to help me through the labor.

When we arrived at the hospital the security guard sent us to a door and told us to push a button. A voice came over the intercom and Daniel said "I think my wife is in labor..." and they took what felt like forever to open the door. The security guard even came back to check on us while we were waiting. When they did let us in, they put me in triage and checked me with a dry glove to be certain my water had broken. Convinced that I was actually in labor they took me to a real room. I don't remember how I got there. Did I walk? I must have.

They put an IV in me. There were two nurses, one of them seemed to be like 60+ years so I didn't expect her to be a student. However, she must have still been learning, because the other nurse was telling her how to do things and Andi and Daniel's faces were pretty obvious. Afterward, I saw blood on the handle of the bed and said "I hope that's mine." Andi answered, "Trust me it is, they were cleaning it up for a long time." I remember it hurt pretty bad too. I'm a bigger chicken with artificial pain, like needles and IVs and tape on skin than I am with "natural" pain I guess.

Then we just waited around for things to get going. Andi kept saying I was doing an excellent job breathing through the contractions. I remember when she first offered me her hand I was afraid I would break it, because it was so much smaller than Daniel's. I felt the same way with Tiffany's hand later.

At some point something was bothering me down there. I don't remember what it was, but Andi offered to check it for me. I was like, "if you feel like looking at it, I'm not gonna make you". She said she was about to see quite a bit of me during delivery and it didn't bother her. I hadn't thought about it, but it's true, now that I have had a baby, I really have no shame left. Drs appointments and shots are the least of my worries. Nothing embarrasses me or hurts me anymore.

Around 6:00 AM I had Daniel call our moms, or at least I know he called my mom, who came rather quickly. She ended up sitting in the corner the majority of the time and trying to say encouraging things to me whenever I looked at her. I know I held her hand through a few contractions in the beginning, but I was really afraid of hurting her because I knew she had arthritis. I originally didn't want her in the room, because I was afraid I would say something mean to her in response to the pain, and she doesn't deserve that.

The only person I remember saying anything mean to was Daniel. I told him to "Shut up" when he was talking to me in the middle of a contraction. I immediately started crying and apologizing when the contraction was over. I also hit him (not hard) in the chest when he mimicked my pain-face during a contraction. It threw me completely off my concentration and I felt all of the pain because of it. Im pretty sure I started looking at Andi's more reliable face after that. She kept a steady half smile/ half "I understand" look every time I looked at her. I also remember thinking her lips were really narrow. I was staring at them as a cue for how to breathe.

I remember Daniel made a lot of sarcastic comments and jokes throughout the process. It hurt me to laugh, but it kept my spirits up. I think towards the end though, I didn't like it or even notice it as much. I know that a few times everyone was laughing at me. I said some pretty crazy things.

At some point Dr. Carrillo recommended we use pitocin to speed things up because I had only dilated to 5 cm. I don't remember when this was. I didn't think things were going slowly, but I cannot express how much I trust Dr. Carrillo. She was amazing throughout the entire pregnancy, and even though she gave me advice she always let me make my own decisions. So I let her give it to me. It definitely made things rougher, but according to everyone they would have gotten that bad as I progressed anyway.

I remember HATING the blood pressure cuff. If there was anything I was tempted to curse at, that was it. Every time I wanted to express how much I hated it though, I forgot what it was called, so I'm sure I sounded like an idiot.
"I hate this thing!"
"You hate what thing?"
"This frikkin Brr--uff Blood... Ugh!"

One of the main reasons I hated it was because every time it came on, my hand went numb and tingled. Eventually I lost the feeling in both of my hands which really freaked me out. I remember Andi telling me that they were still there. She and Chibi would squeeze them for me to prove it to me.

At some point they offered me something called Stadol (sp?). I was concerned about taking any drugs at all, and originally didn't want it. I asked if it would give me a headache and they said it was often prescribed as a migraine reliever. So, I thought I could trust it and I accepted the offer. Dumb idea. I will never take that crap again. It knocked me out. It knocked me out during transition.

What that means is that I was completely asleep/ unconscious for one minute and wide awake with pain the next. Literally one minute asleep and one minute in pain for I don't know how long. It screwed with my mind waking up in so much pain and not knowing why. It was like getting knocked out made me forget I was in labor and then I had a VERY painful reminder every other minute. Prior to taking this drug, I could feel my stomach tightening up before a contraction became painful. It was like it was growing or something. I would grab someone's hand at that point and be able to breathe through the contraction because I knew it was coming. The drug knocked me out for that part though, and I couldn't prepare for the contractions anymore like I had previously. The drug took away my ability to "sense" that they were coming, and that made them a LOT harder to deal with. I remember telling Andi that I was having nightmares. She asked me what they were and I answered "I'm still here!" Everyone in the room laughed at me. I was serious though. I think it's funny now.

I also woke up during a contraction with the Stadol completely unable to see a darn thing. I was blind. THAT really freaked me out.

I consulted with myself during my unconscious state about taking the epidural at that point. I was talking with myself inside my head, and my thoughts were nutty with that drug in my system. I remember telling Andi I couldn't take it. I remember she either couldn't understand me or she was just being nice, because she asked me a lot of questions to clarify what I meant. Some nurse was looking at me over her shoulder.

At that point I began talking to them about the epidural. I wasn't sold on it, and I was definitely still afraid of it. I think I asked everyone in the room individually if I should take it and I was frustrated because no one would tell me what to do. I just wanted someone to say "Take it" and I would have.

It got to the point where I couldn't control pushing her out. My body was involuntarily shoving her out of me and everyone was telling me not to push. I swear, there was nothing I could do about it. I was peeing all over the towel between my legs. Trust me, if I could have stopped I would have.

It was in the middle of that that I decided to take the epidural. Debby apparently came in to check on me and attempt to convince me it was ok at one point. I don't remember it much, but she does because I asked her "You promise?" and she had no idea what I meant but she said yes anyway and then felt guilty as if she had lied to me. Haha.

It was odd that the anesthesiologist didn't want anyone in the room but him and his nurses for the epidural. At least Daniel should have been able to stay. Apparently Daniel was pretty upset about it. I think people decided to grab a bite to eat while I was getting it. I'm pretty sure I heard someone whisper about not telling me about it, since I was starving the whole time. I kept telling Daniel he owed me Prime Rib at Logan's as soon as we could go get it together.

Speaking of starving. I sneaked two jolly ranchers during the process even though they said that all I could have was ice chips. They ordered me some chloraseptic spray at the beginning of the labor because I had a sore throat and it took five hours for them to actually get it to me, even though when it arrived it had a sticker on it labeling it "stat". I felt completely justified in having my jolly ranchers. I also delayed telling them I felt like pushing because I wanted to finish my last one. Chibi laughed at me for that.

I finally let them know, I think it was Jessica and the other nurse named Sharon, that I was ready to be checked and Jessica was like "I can totally feel her head". So they told Dr. Carrillo that I was ready to go. Dr. Carrillo showed up in her scrubs along with a bunch of other nurses with all sorts of equipment. It was like a tv production. They took off the edge of the bed and raised these huge stirrup things for my legs. I remember they tried to adjust them at one point and I asked them to leave it alone so I could brace my feet against them.

Andi convinced me that the fact that there were so many nurses in the room and there was a heater/bassinet to my left meant that everyone in the room knew the baby was about to come out. I asked her if it was possible to push too hard and she said no. I again asked if it would hurt Emma if I pushed hard and she said no. So, I pushed as hard as I could. I tried to push even harder.

It was funny. When the nurses and Dr. Carrillo started coming into the room, Daniel joked about hiding in the bathroom and Tiffany was over by the door behind me trying to stay out of everyone's way. I told everyone that the view would be better the closer they were to my head.

Daniel ended up sitting in the corner with a better view of what was going on than what he expected I think. He keeps reminding me how bad things looked afterward. I don't know where my mom ended up at all. She reminds me of things too though, so I know she also saw what was going on at least right after the delivery. Though, I think she left the room for the actual event. Andi had my left leg and was supporting me through the whole thing. She told me, "I can literally see your baby's head right now." Which totally made me think I could do it. That made Tiffany, who amazingly ended up supporting my right leg (such a good friend), take a look. She told me later that she was surprised it didn't bother her. She encouraged me, and Dr. Carrillo told me that I would have Emma out in one or two more contractions. (I made up my mind at that moment to make it just one.) So I pushed as hard as I could, and then even harder because everyone was cheering me on, and it sounded (and felt) like she was about to pop out of there. Then she did.

Dr. Carrillo quickly said, "Sorry, Dad, I'm gonna get the cord." At that point she already had it clamped off (I watched) and she cut it right there. I thought that something might be wrong, like maybe it was wrapped around her neck, but it wasn't.
Then she came all the way out and suddenly I had this funny looking child covered in ickiness placed on my tummy (which was now rather deflated). As soon as she opened her eyes and looked at me though, I don't know it was kinda like magic. I immediately loved her. I was holding her close and just amazed by her.

There was some point in here that I lost my sight again. The whole room was black. Then black and white. It was really creepy and I didn't know why I was losing my vision. I found out later.

They took her from me for a moment to drain her lungs of goo. At that point I realized something was still going on at the doctor's end of my body. She was stitching me up. She had offered me the choice between ripping and having an episiotomy. She told me either way I was going to have some damage down there. I chose to rip, because I was afraid of being cut (silly me). Next time, if I still have a Dr. I can trust I will totally take the episiotomy. I remember a split second where it felt like I didn't have a vagina left. It really felt like wet shredded cloth. Then I could feel her stitching me up. She shot me with a numbing medicine, but it didn't take, because she was sewing up some seriously sensitive areas. I remember her running a needle right through my clitoris. Sucked.

I kept yelling out in pain, and she stopped to check and see if I was ok. She apologized and explained that it was just a sensitive area but she had to do it. I told her I trusted her and I wanted her to keep going, but I was going to continue crying out because it did, in fact, hurt. Oh, and that IV that the nurse who didn't know what she was doing put in came out. They had to do another IV in the same arm all over again. I hate being poked.

Later on, she told me that I had just as many stitches down there as a person gets if they have a c-section (except not in their hoohah). The nurses in the room were looking over her shoulder as she explained to them what she was stitching up. Apparently I was a unique case with unusual rips that were interesting to learn about. One of the nurses remarked, "She's gonna be in some serious pain tomorrow." I'm not sure if she didn't expect me to hear or she just assumed I would forget. It wasn't something I was happy to hear though.

They kept offering to hand Emma back to me to distract me, but I wouldn't take her because I was afraid of dropping her in response to the stitches. I just tried to watch her and concentrate on her and Tiffany and Andi, who were still at my sides taking care of me.

I must take a moment to thank Andi and Chibi. Andi was a consistent source of encouragement and support throughout the delivery. I would have lost my sanity without her presence. Tiffany was an unexpected delight as well. She made me happy even when I was in serious pain. It was nice to see her reassuring smile and I swear I never expected her to hold my leg or stay in the room for the duration of the process. She truly is a great friend. Now, she's an even closer friend. :)

Did I leave anything out? Eventually the stitches were over and I got to hold my beautiful girl again. They said her temperature was low and told me to keep her skin to skin, which is the best way to start breastfeeding anyway, so we tried it out. Andi was on my left and I think my mom was on the right trying to help me get her to latch on. I was grabbing my areola and Andi rearranged my grab to make it pretty much my whole boob and then helped me shove it in her mouth. She figured it out pretty quick. We didn't have much trouble learning it together and the lactation consultant told us we both got an A++ the day we left for home. I don't think we would have though, if it weren't for the first time going successfully.

Dr. Carrillo peeked her head in the door later and said "CBC Stat" to the nurses in the room, who were looking at how cute Emma was. They turned to look at me, and had an "oops we were preoccupied with the baby" expression on their face. Then they took my blood. I swear by the time I left there I had so many holes poked in me from needles and nurses. I didn't know what CBC meant at the time, but now I do. Complete Blood Count. They were concerned about my blood pressure and pulse and stuff. I didn't know why.

Two nurses came later to help me stand up and I lost my hearing the first time we tried it. That was the second time that happened. I don't remember when it happened the first time, but I remember thinking "What? Now my hearing too? What's wrong with me?"

A nurse came in a second time to help me attempt to use the bathroom, which of course scared me to death after being stitched up. She was very nice to just sit there with me and teach me how to use the rinse bottle and witch hazel and numbing spray. When I got up, she helped steady me because I lost my hearing again and felt like I was going to faint. I'm used to the feeling of "about to faint" and I can usually alert someone or change my position to alter it. She helped me get back to the bed and took care of me. Her name was Erika.

Dr. Carrillo came in again at some point to explain what was going on to me. She told me the stitches would dissolve and I had lost a lot of blood, not from my uterus (which is normal) but from the places Emma's head ripped open. Apparently I had an unusual amount and placement of tearing. While people usually rip towards the bottom, I ripped upwards and out to the sides. The up side of this is that four days later when I finally got to poo, I didn't have any trouble. The down side is that she basically had to do reconstructive stitchery on my genitals. The reason I was losing vision/hearing and fainting/ blacking out was the blood loss. They tracked my blood pressure and pulse for the duration of my stay at the hospital and the day before I left Dr. Carrillo offered me a blood transfusion. It was that much.

I talked with her about the transfusion. She told me the statistics on HIV and HepB. I thought about what type I was and how much other people in the hospital may need it more than me. (Later I found out Mom offered to give her blood, which I would have felt bad for taking since she probably needs it more than me too). Dr. Carrillo said if I took the transfusion I would feel better immediately and if I didn't it would take six weeks to regain what I had lost. By that time I had successfully gotten up to go to the bathroom without fainting, so I thought I might be better off without it. After spending a week at home blacking out occasionally while either going to the bathroom or attempting to do something like change Emma's diaper, I think I might have taken it, because it was very difficult to not be able to care for my baby because I couldn't get up off the couch/bed. Regardless, there was no changing the decision. I asked Dr. Carrillo a week later how much blood I had actually lost. She said she wrote on my chart about 400 but in reality it was closer to 750. (I'm not sure what measurement goes with those numbers, though I assume it's CC.) She explained that it was the same amount as if I had had a c-section.

Anyway, that's the story.

If it's not completely obvious, there's no way I would have made it through any of this without the help of God and the family and friends that He has blessed me with. God is absolutely sovreign, in control, and completely trustworthy. There is nothing I can go through that He will not sustain me and provide for me. I'm so glad I know Him. I'm so glad He has blessed me with people in my life I can rely on and enjoy. He's just plain awesome.

Oh, and two side effects of having a baby: nothing hurts anymore, at least not in comparison. I got a flu shot and a tetanus shot before I left the hospital. Didn't feel a thing. The other: I have lost all shame, or at least a majority of any that I had. I used to be extremely over-prudent and weirded out at the idea of a doctor "checking" that area of my body. Now that I've had so many people looking at and poking me literally everywhere, I could care less. I breastfed her in the waiting room at the doctor's office on her first visit. I actually did it and walked down the hall at the same time. So much cooler than walking and chewing gum. Ha.

...I will watch over thee.

I am predisposed to researching things to death if I need to solve a problem. Recently I've spent much time on insurance websites trying to find out if I can get insurance for us that we can afford on one income so that I can leave work. If we can't, there's not much possibility I can leave.

I was content thinking I'd be ok to go back to work part time. I even looked forward to seeing my agreeable coworkers when I returned. I mean, its just four hours a day right? I can handle being away from home that long can't I?

I went to work to drop off my maternity uniforms because they were taking up way too much room in the closet I was trying to organize. I talked with my supervisor about coming back. I have to go through basic training all over again, and on the job training all over again. I also assume they most likely won't let me do this on the schedule that I picked (so that I can watch my baby during the day). They are notorious with screwing with schedules and assuming you have no life outside of work.

I also saw a new addition to the office/breakroom. There were about six cots and sleeping bags up on the shelves. I was informed since I'm on the night shift when I return, I should have a toiletry bag in my locker in case I have to stay the night on said cots. Really? Do I really want to return to such a situation?

I saw most of the people that I care about while I visited. I thought while I was still actively working there that it would be hard to leave these people, and I considered staying as long as I could to be with them. However, the longer I'm away, the less attached I feel to them. Except with the ones who I have maintained contact with while I've been on leave. I realized though, it not really worth returning just to be able to see them, especially when I can talk to some of them away from work.

I also guess my maternal instincts and emotions are kicking in. I keep thinking as soon as I have her, I will be so much more attached to her than I am now. I'm pretty attached now to begin with. When she's born, there will be a countdown clock started, and at the end of six weeks I will have to go back to work and leave her for 4 (5 with driving) hours a day. That already breaks my heart. I really don't think I can do it.

So these have been my thoughts for the last 24 hours or so. Along with just really wanting to have her in my arms instead of my tummy.


Pray for me if you do read this. I need it.




The last entry title is from the lullabye:
Slumber My Darling off the Yo Yo Ma cd. (This entry's title is the next line.)

TN Breastfeeding Laws

Tenn. Code Ann. § 68-58-101 et seq. (2006) permits a mother to breastfeed an infant 12 months or younger in any location, public or private, that the mother is authorized to be, and prohibits local governments from criminalizing or restricting breastfeeding. Specifies that the act of breastfeeding shall not be considered public indecency as defined by § 39-13-511; or nudity, obscene, or sexual conduct as defined in § 39-17-901. (HB 3582)

Tenn. Code Ann. § 50-1-305 (1999) requires employers to provide daily unpaid break time for a mother to express breast milk for her infant child. Employers are also required to make a reasonable effort to provide a private location, other than a toilet stall, in close proximity to the workplace for this activity. (SB 1856)

While others their ransoms keep...

January 2010 began with the best day possible.

It is hard to find a word for how I'm feeling about the fact that it is January though. January is the month Emma is due. January is a whole new year, with a whole new life coming into existence.

I'm torn between wanting to go into labor right now and get it over with, and wanting to keep her inside and not have to deal with it at all. I really want to meet this new person who's been kicking my tail for the last few months, but I'm a little nervous about the whole process of getting her out.

Most people are aware that I want to attempt to have her naturally. I figure, that's the way it was done for years and years before the invention of pain medicine, and humanity continues to thrive, so it must be possible. I've never done it before though, so I don't really know what I'm up against. I think I am mentally prepared (aka stubborn) enough to handle it, but I'm not sure about the physical side of things. Regardless, the idea of an epidural also freaks me out, so I'm just gonna stick with the plan I suppose.

I've got her room all ready to go, with all but two of her outfits washed and hanging up in the closet. Its the most peaceful room in the house, because it's so organized and clean. Makes me happy. Makes me excited about her arrival. I sit and think, "you know, this room needs an Emma." Debby is going to paint some animal murals for the wall and then I think I'll post pictures up after those are hanging.

Supposedly 16 days to go, 14 in my book, and several if you consider both Daniel and I were two weeks late. I think I'm gonna get on facebook and post a survey to see if anyone can guess her due date correctly.



Last title source: When I Go Out, by FIF